I didn’t win a Grammy this evening. I wasn’t even nominated for one. But— in my mind I won one and that’s all that matters. There’s an alternate universe going on in my skull. I represent dogs as an attorney. I can talk to animals. So therefore I can win a Grammy. I rock.

As far as I’m concerned, I won 3 Grammys. Yeah boi! In your face! 3 Grammys. Shoulda won 4 but I gave the 4th to Beyoncé. #generous #notgreedy

Here’s a transcript of my acceptance speech.

Oh my Gosh. I can’t believe it. This is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me! I love you guys. I’d like to thank my parents who are up past their bedtime watching this. Mom, Dad, go to bed! I also want to thank the foreign press correspondents and Mountain Dew®™© and Pizza Hut™©.

Oh wait- ummm- shoot, I had this speech written out on the back of a napkin but I had to poo and there wasn’t any toilet paper in the Grammyloo so I used my acceptance speech to wipe my bum. #BadPlanning #TMI #TMJ #Psoriasis #corn #iHaventHadCornInWeeks

I’d like to thank my 3rd grade teacher Sister Eileen for teaching me how to wipe my butt with stolen napkins from the rectory . #LateBloomer

I’d also like to thank the little people. The little people who live inside my skull. They’re scratching to get out. Please someone get the little people out of my head. I hate them.

Thanks to everyone for voting for me. I’m crying but they’re good tears. Salty tears of joy creating a river leaking down to my sexy feet.

You like me. You really like me.
I have pretty feet. Godammit I have beautiful feet.

(Cue the music and me being ushered off stage)

I can’t get off stage yet. I need my poopy stinky speech. I’m not done. Please let me keep talk////

(This is the part where a bunch of dudes in white coats dragged me off and gave me a shot of lithium.)