Today I am going to go down to Mexico and finish off the contents of this truck and ride on the hood of a police car all the way back across the Tijuana border to the Casbah for tonight’s big Rugburns show. Johnny Castro couldn’t make it out from New York this week so I asked Gregory Page to play bass. He accepted the offer so this evening should be interesting. I spent many a month in my younger days with Herr Page and the rest of the ‘burns travelling this crazy country. One time we were flown out to Cleveland and picked up in a limo and fed tons of italian food by the mob because one of the Godfathers’ sons was a huge Rugburns fan. We were told if we didn’t play Dick’s Automotive that we would be strung up by our balls and beaten beyond recognition with 2x4s and thrown in a pit with rattlesnakes. Then I remember the time that Gregory got arrested in Arizona for not carrying a handgun on stage. (there was some weird law from the 1800s that insisted all bass players must carry a firearm while plucking a bass.)
Who knows what will happen tonight. I hear that Jose Sinatra will be showing up ready to sing a duet. I am scared. I must now go to Tijuana to place March Madness bets and empty the beer truck.
St. Steven McPoltz
When I started 98 pounder records I knew I needed some capital and a big name. Why not go after a domestic maven? Everyone knows that Martha is a music lover and all around matron of the arts. I figured we could make some linament oil out of flax seed to polish my collection of vintage Louis Vuitton handbags. The executives at ebay had been hounding me to release some of my stash to the general public for immediate auction. I wasn’t ready to go public with 98 pounder label so I delayed the IPO until a secret date had been secured. I raised some of the startup costs through the sale of my purse collection and immediately invested the profits in IM clone. This is when I started trading phone calls with Martha. We taught each other how to make phone messages and manipulate the voice tones. It all seemed so innocent to me. She was a fan of my C.D. “Answering Machine” and I was a fan of pine cone art. Together we were like a couple of construction workers high on glue. Ideas came to us and the money was flowing and we staggered through the streets of New York like we owned the damn town. It was all fun and games until someone got hurt. I made a phone call and gave a secret location (if you know what I mean) and all was set for 98 pounder to go public. We both sold our IM clone stock to pay for “Chinese Vacation” and all of the sudden the feds had a temper tantrum. It was a coincindence that some other big wig sold his shares the same day. He had nothing to do with me. He listens to books on tape and hates music. Martha and I are going to fight this thing to prove her innocence. I will be having a bake sale at The Lion’s Club in the near future. Homemade marzipan and Nova Scotia lox with mint leaves flown in from Italy will be on sale as well as tweed cushion covers. Please understand that I am not allowed to comment on this any further until I meet with Larry King at Elaine’s in New York. 98 Pounder Records is threatening to fire me in a hostile takeover and I am scared. If you can think of any new items I can make for my bakesale please let me know. I really, really, really, need to raise some cash for my Martha’s legal fees.
Steven “The Insider” Poltz
That’s right folks, Bill Murray! I am tired of all of these hobbits winning everything. Bill Murray gets my Oscar nod. I demand a recall. If Arnie can do it than so can I. While we’re at it I am giving the best picture award to Lost In Translation. Whatever happened to good old character development? A film that actually took place and wasn’t totally computer animated. C’mon you guys, who’s with me? Bill Murray was so wonderfully restrained and elegant. He is my winner and want to send him a glass of iced tea in the mail. Does the post office send drinks? Will you guys please give me your Oscar picks that you feel should have won? Is everyone a Hobbit? Do I really need to see these films?
Steven “Oscar misses Felix” Poltz
P.S. Sofia Coppola is a Goddess.
I have been wondering lately what beverage has more caffeine? Coffee wigs me out. Is it a different kind of caffeine or am I insane? Last night I came home after a fine night of dining and several glasses of ice tea and I fell asleep 10 minutes into Letterman. Yet I woke up at 5 in the morning ready to rearrange my sock drawer with my mind full of thoughts like; “can dogs read my mind?” “Who invented liquid soap and why?” “When is a good time to take a nap in a trash compactor?” “I wonder if some of the episodes of Star Trek were real?” “I should try to pull out all of my teeth with a pair of pliers.”
Now what I’m wondering is if there is a delayed reaction to the type of caffeine in ice tea? Was it just pulsing through my veins on a time delay like some sort of out of control alarm clock? Does anyone oot there have the answers? You see, if I had had a couple of cups of coffee after dinner I would have tried to shoot my television set last night because of an overflow of instant energy only to be followed by a crash not unlike that of an 8 year old after too many candy bars. Please give me some expert advice.
Steven a.m. Tweaker Poltz