Why we did it.

MarthaSteve-Magazine.jpg
When I started 98 pounder records I knew I needed some capital and a big name. Why not go after a domestic maven? Everyone knows that Martha is a music lover and all around matron of the arts. I figured we could make some linament oil out of flax seed to polish my collection of vintage Louis Vuitton handbags. The executives at ebay had been hounding me to release some of my stash to the general public for immediate auction. I wasn’t ready to go public with 98 pounder label so I delayed the IPO until a secret date had been secured. I raised some of the startup costs through the sale of my purse collection and immediately invested the profits in IM clone. This is when I started trading phone calls with Martha. We taught each other how to make phone messages and manipulate the voice tones. It all seemed so innocent to me. She was a fan of my C.D. “Answering Machine” and I was a fan of pine cone art. Together we were like a couple of construction workers high on glue. Ideas came to us and the money was flowing and we staggered through the streets of New York like we owned the damn town. It was all fun and games until someone got hurt. I made a phone call and gave a secret location (if you know what I mean) and all was set for 98 pounder to go public. We both sold our IM clone stock to pay for “Chinese Vacation” and all of the sudden the feds had a temper tantrum. It was a coincindence that some other big wig sold his shares the same day. He had nothing to do with me. He listens to books on tape and hates music. Martha and I are going to fight this thing to prove her innocence. I will be having a bake sale at The Lion’s Club in the near future. Homemade marzipan and Nova Scotia lox with mint leaves flown in from Italy will be on sale as well as tweed cushion covers. Please understand that I am not allowed to comment on this any further until I meet with Larry King at Elaine’s in New York. 98 Pounder Records is threatening to fire me in a hostile takeover and I am scared. If you can think of any new items I can make for my bakesale please let me know. I really, really, really, need to raise some cash for my Martha’s legal fees.
Sincerely,
Steven “The Insider” Poltz

and the oscar goes to???

billmurray-steve-oscar.jpg
That’s right folks, Bill Murray! I am tired of all of these hobbits winning everything. Bill Murray gets my Oscar nod. I demand a recall. If Arnie can do it than so can I. While we’re at it I am giving the best picture award to Lost In Translation. Whatever happened to good old character development? A film that actually took place and wasn’t totally computer animated. C’mon you guys, who’s with me? Bill Murray was so wonderfully restrained and elegant. He is my winner and want to send him a glass of iced tea in the mail. Does the post office send drinks? Will you guys please give me your Oscar picks that you feel should have won? Is everyone a Hobbit? Do I really need to see these films?
Please advise.
Steven “Oscar misses Felix” Poltz
P.S. Sofia Coppola is a Goddess.

coffee or tea?

I have been wondering lately what beverage has more caffeine? Coffee wigs me out. Is it a different kind of caffeine or am I insane? Last night I came home after a fine night of dining and several glasses of ice tea and I fell asleep 10 minutes into Letterman. Yet I woke up at 5 in the morning ready to rearrange my sock drawer with my mind full of thoughts like; “can dogs read my mind?” “Who invented liquid soap and why?” “When is a good time to take a nap in a trash compactor?” “I wonder if some of the episodes of Star Trek were real?” “I should try to pull out all of my teeth with a pair of pliers.”
Now what I’m wondering is if there is a delayed reaction to the type of caffeine in ice tea? Was it just pulsing through my veins on a time delay like some sort of out of control alarm clock? Does anyone oot there have the answers? You see, if I had had a couple of cups of coffee after dinner I would have tried to shoot my television set last night because of an overflow of instant energy only to be followed by a crash not unlike that of an 8 year old after too many candy bars. Please give me some expert advice.
Yours Truly,
Steven a.m. Tweaker Poltz