The Phone Call
He'd only been seeing Sophie for seven months when all of a sudden out of the blue he noticed she'd stopped shaving her armpits. On Wednesdays she would show up for their weekly dinner date usually dressed to the nines. She was very sophisticated and he quite liked it. In fact, he'd even started calling Sophie by a little pet name he came up with one day--> Sophisticated Magee.
But now this whole new not shaving the pits thing had thrown a wrench in his regimented little world. He liked things neat and tidy. His close friends jokingly called him Felix and secretly he hated it. He had an inner Oscar inside his speck-free heart that he wanted to unleash onto the world. Sophie usually just called him by his given name, Glenn, unless she was mad at him. Then it was either Asshole OR Felix.
Glenn had recently returned from a very long business trip to Abu Dhabi. Four weeks in the middle of a record July and August heat wave. To top it all off, it also happened to be during Ramadan. "Fucking Ramadan AND blazing hell hole temperatures" he thought to himself. "Everyone looks like a terrorist to me. They all may as well be swinging across monkey bars in an Al Qaeda training video."
He stayed in his five star hotel each night drinking Johnny Walker from a secret stash the fast talking bellman had sold him. "Thanks be to the great white Christ in the sky for bribes" he thought to himself. He was hammered and red faced and as he looked in the mirror he felt fat and bloated and insecure. He worked out daily in the gym but the middle years and gravity were doing their work. "You can only polish a turd so much" he said out loud in a drunken slur. He'd always wanted to order a prostitute to come up to his room and give him a hand job but he was scared of the foreign police and the consequences and the loss of his cushy job. So he'd usually finish himself off to a porno video and then pass out with his socks still on.
By the time he returned back to Atlanta late on a Tuesday, he was excited for his tryst with Sophie the next night. He fell sound asleep happy to be in his own bed in his stylish condo in his gentrified neighborhood. Niceyville. A luxury urban loft for downtown upwardly mobile professionals is what the realtor told him. He had a nice view of the Atlanta skyline and he dreamed of ravishing Sophie's smooth white body with her lovely milky thighs and waxed smooth skin.
On Wednesday the doorbell rang promptly at 7pm. There stood Sophie in a lovely white linen summer dress. Her shoulders were bare and tan and smooth. Her eyes had a sparkle to them. "Come in come in! " he shouted. His heart was beating fast like a hummingbird and he hugged her for an awkward moment. She smelled like lilacs and he said, "I feel crazy. Let's just jump into bed and order some Thai delivery. I need to taste you immediately. But first I'll cancel the reservations" She laughed and ran into the bedroom and in her best sexy voice she said "Come and get me big boy. I've been at a meditation retreat for the last few weeks and I've missed you so."
They stripped like geeky teenagers in the backseat of a car after the senior prom dance. She lifted her arms up over her head as he kissed her nipples. Everything happened fast next. He looked up toward her neck and screamed "There are fucking caterpillars under your arms. Holy Christ! Run! Do something!" "Oh darling calm down. You'll give us a heart attack. It's only my hair" Sophie said. "All of the upper west side vegans at the retreat are doing it. It's natural and quite frankly I like it. It saves me time and money. Wait 'til I take my panties off. You've gotta see my seventies bush. It's awesome." "I feel sick." said Glenn. "I think I'm tired from my trip. I'm not myself. Maybe I am myself and you're not yourself. I don't know. Jeez Sophie I need to be alone."
Just then there was a knock at the door and the delivery girl was there with the green chicken curry and spring rolls. She had full sleeve tattoos and the right side of her head was shaved like Skrillex. She reached out to hand Glenn his food and as she did he noticed she had smooth silky black hair coming from her armpits.
"What the fuck is wrong with the world? Is everyone an upper west side New York vegan?" he asked. "It's like no one cares anymore. Jut keep the change. I have to go." The delivery girl just smirked and said "Chill out dude. Life is delicatessen. Full of all kinds of good treats. You just have to look."
Glenn handed Sophie the food and said "Just take it with you. I'm not hungry. Honestly those hairy caterpillars under your arms are freaking me out. I come from a family values conservative Midwestern family and frankly my parents would not approve of this and either do I " he said in his best persnickety tone. "Jesus Christ, what if I was taking you to our family's usual 10am mass in St Louis?"
Sophie dressed quickly and said "When you're ready for a big boy relationship give me a call. Felix Felix Felix, you disappoint me so. You're so rigid and in all the wrong places."
After the door shut Glenn sat all alone in Niceyville and started to drink Black Label like It was going out of style. This time he got drunker than even normal. He bashed his shin on the coffee table and cursed out loud. He stripped off his clothes and phoned an Atlanta escort service. "Send me a blonde angel" he stammered. "Make sure she has freshly shaved armpits and a smooth beaver. I don't want some hairy New York vegan" he yelled. "I'll pay double. Just do what I say." As he was screaming drunkenly into the receiver he grabbed a razor from his shaving kit and started furiously shaving his own armpits. He'd never done this before and it kind of hurt. He had scratches and there were armpit hairs everywhere. He was disgusted and the lights were so bright reflecting onto the mirror. He looked fatter than normal and he was wearing only his socks. He wanted to vomit at the horrible sight of himself. He yanked the foreskin of his flaccid penis and pulled at it in a grotesque way and then grabbed and stretched the flab around his belly as he grimaced and distorted his face. All at once the voice at the other end of the receiver sounded so familiar. "Calm down son! What are you talking about? Smooth beavers and freshly shaved armpits. Are you seeing prostitutes? Oh God! Where did we go wrong. I need to get your father" she said. Glenn's heart was now racing with adrenalin. "Mom?" he whimpered. "Is that you?" "Yes." Click.