Rare Q&A with a magazine in my mind

  A Candid Q&A with myself for a magazine that exists in my head.

Steve The Interviewer -- Hey Steve thanks for granting this VERY RARE interview with you. I know how busy you are so I'd just like to thank you (actually I guess I'm thanking me) for the opportunity to sit down and discuss important issues.

Steve The Musician-No worries. It's nice to be able to talk with you (actually me). I guess I'm talking to myself. Unless the me that I am looking at is actually a different me. Perhaps a clone. Let's get on with the interview because this is creeping me out and I'm getting confused.

Steve The Interviewer-- I agree with you Steve. This is awkward. Here's my first question: I was troubled by yesterday's interview when you said you didn't shower. You said you just "put on more patchouli". Were you serious? Or were you just kidding with me?

Steve The Musician- Look, I love showers. I also love baths. And I love patchouli. But I do try to shower everyday. One of the most important things you can do as a traveling musician is scrub your butthole clean. That's why I love hotels. There's always clean hand towels for the shower. I travel with my own container of Dr Bronner's Peppermint soap. I love how it makes my balls tingle and I love the scent of the soap. It makes the whole bathroom smell nice. If you scrub your butthole clean with that soap you'll just feel better on a long flight or a drive. If that soap company would sponsor me I'd totally become their spokesman. So yes, I love a nice shower. I love my butt to be clean. It's also fun to use monkey butt powder in my ass crack region. Makes me feel extra special whilst walking through airports en route to sound checks. Clean ass= longer happier life.

Steve The Interviewer-thanks for clearing things up. And for cleaning things up, so to speak. My next question since we're sort of on the subject is what do you do when you have to go poo on the road. Any tips?

Steve The Musician- I hate rest stop areas. They creep me out. Bad energy. The best thing to do is stop at a nice hotel and use their lobby. I don't mean just go and poop all over the lobby floor and throw it around like an ape at the zoo. I mean- use the loo in the lobby. There's always a nice clean loo in an upscale hotel. This is excellent advice because the people that are staying at the hotel are using their rooms to poop in. Hopefully they're using the toilets in their rooms and not the bed. But hey- some people are into that sort of thing and who am I to judge? Those people are sickos. There, I just judged them. If you squat down on a hotel bed and and poo all over it then you're probably not right in the head and you're off your meds. You're never going to achieve platinum status at Marriott with that sort of behavior. But hey- getting back to what I was talking about- nice hotels have nice clean toilets in the lobby area. That's what I do. I walk in and pretend I'm on an important call and as I walk by the front desk I say things in a really loud voice like "what?? The Cds never arrived? Are you kidding me? I am SO SORRY. I'll call management and get to the bottom of this. Let me make a couple calls. I'm waiting for Edward to come down from his room and we are headed to a meeting. I'll call you right back."

This makes me look important and the front desk person thinks I'm busy and doesn't have time to question that may be making a deposit in their porcelain receptacle.

Steve The Interviewer- Well, that certainly was a lot of info. Thanks for clarifying. There'll be no further questions for today. Please go to Perth now. Safe travels mate.

Steve The Musician- No worries! See me soon.