Jesus, Mary and Tony Gwynn

webpads.jpgAs the baseball season plays out its final act, I am stuck in my final stages of dementia. I put my Tony Gwynn doll next to Jesus and Mary and I light some Nag Champa and pray to the baseball Gods for some sort of divine intervention. I need a miracle gosh doggit! I yell at the t.v. and scream at the radio in my car. Why do I do it? Would The Padres yell for me? No they wouldn't is the answer I am looking for. But hey, I am o.k. with that. Usually before I go to sleep I put the Tony doll in front of Jesus and Mary and I walk across my floor wearing a pair of brown socks and I hop 3 times while facing the Pacific Ocean and I pull my left eyebrow out until air gets underneath my eyelid. This makes my eye feel dry and so I put my face under the sink and wet my eyeball with tepid water. I have to perform this ritual 4 times in 6 minutes or The Pads will lose. It is too much pressure and I want to stop doing it but I can't. I need some Ritalin and cough syrup. Help me please. Love, The Bat Child