I handle my own business

Adam is my booking agent at Fleming Artists. I love him very much. They're out of Ann Arbor and Nashville and Melbourne. Adam is The President of the company and handles my gigs. This morning he wrote me and asked me if I wanted to do some dates in late February and March 2015 opening up for the band Mike and The Mechanics. Remember them? Mike was in Genesis. It'll be a load a theater shows in the USA. Then he said "they think you're funny. You need to be funny if you want the shows". So, I just wrote him back. Dear Adam,

You said-

You got the tour as long as you are funny.

Let's define funny. Maybe I'll imitate my favorite YouTube video. I'll walk out on stage dressed as a monkey and then stick my finger up my butt and smell it and have my eyes roll back and then pass out and fall out of a tree. Some folks might laugh at this. I think it's funny.


- is funny having me walk through the audience dressed as JFK, playing Hail To The Chief on a penny whistle while Jewel dresses up as Marilyn Monroe and sings You Were Meant For Me with a toaster on her head? And then when the song ends she says in a sexy breathy voice "Mr President would you like your toast buttered?" That's kinda funny.

Or Is funny crawling out on stage on my hands and knees with the words Poodle Boy spray painted on my back while a naked old man with a saggy ass wearing only leather chaps pulls me on a leash up to the jolly green giant who happens to be playing an accordion and then makes me beg for asparagus dog treats?

Ruff ruff. Roll over poodle boy. Atta boy! Oh he's a good dog! Oooh look at your green poo. Does anyone have a plastic bag?

Or Is funny having me walk out onstage and tell mechanic jokes. --> there was this woman that brought in a FIAT and I said "hey lady! Don't you know that FIAT stands for Fix It Again Tony"? And she said "take that carburetor and ram it up your ass Jack." And then I lost her pink slip and she slipped on some radiator fluid and banged her head on a gear shaft and swallowed a socket wrench. Hahahaha! Now that's facking funny.


Is funny having me walk up on stage naked from a chair in the audience and describe my conversion to Christianity while stretching my ballsack like a piece of bazooka chewing gum?

Oh no! I got it. I'll come out dressed as Ronald Reagan and accidentally bump into a facsimile of The Berlin Wall and when it partially falls have Mike from The Mechanics dress as Gorbachev and I'll say "Mr Mechanic! Tear down that wall!" Then we will all sing We are The World and pause for a moment of silence for Michael Jackson.

These are only early sketches for what may work. Let's nail down the exact act as the dates get closer.

For now I'm going with the green turd laying poodle.

Please keep this between us guys. I don't want anyone stealing my "ideas".

Best, Steve Poltz

I haven't heard back from him yet.