20131021-104352.jpgIf I were a duck I would totally camp out Tony Soprano's house because it's been proven that 59% of mobsters have a soft spot in their hearts for ducks. They may not like pigeons, especially stool pigeons or rats but what mobster doesn't like seeing cute little ducks swim in his pool? So you'd probably be safe hanging out in Tony Soprano's pool if you were a duck because he's most certainly looking for some sort of love. Plus, most mobsters like bread and ducks love bread and It's been proven in a study I did last year that a large percentage of mobsters don't care about eating gluten free so the bread the ducks would be given would be tastier. I mean after all, how many ducks are gluten free?

And, who doesn't like ducks? I guess duck hunters don't but most duck hunters aren't mafia members. I once did a government sponsored study on the percentage of mobsters who were also duck hunters and it was only 2 and 3/4 percent. However there were some variables on mafia men in the secret witness protection program living in Oregon. Some of these men had taken up duck hunting in order to assimilate into society. (A side note* they also had tested positive for venereal warts) So, if you're a duck and you know some Oregonian mobsters then you should definitely hitch a ride to Nevada I also spent 3 years doing a state sponsored study on the migration of ducks from Oregon to Nevada and the tax implications aren't as brutal as one would think. You would however need a new drivers license and you'd also need to be fluent in German. One last thing to remember is that Tony Soprano isn't a real mobster. He only played one on tv and now he is actually deceased. I also spent 5 years doing a study at UCLA on whether or not tv characters were actually real people and the life we were living was nothing more than a series of dreamlike sequences. I came to the conclusion that nothing is real and that the study was also part of a dream and if you're reading this then you are in my dream right now. Pinch your leg and wake up. There are hungry ducks and gluten eating mobsters that we need to feed. We'll address more on this subject at a later date. I have to see a man about a German horse.

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