(null)On my daily walk from the flu infirmary this bird looked at me with a mean stare and I said, "What are you lookin at?" So the bird says "Are you interested in saving the children?" I was astounded because most birds I talk to usually act like they can't speak or hear me and then fly away. I know they know what I'm saying so I usually run down the sidewalk chasing them flapping my arms and screaming as loud as possible. This usually scares people. Especially people with children.

So I said "yes, I'm interested in saving the children."

"Then stop trying to talk to us. We're birds and all we want are pieces of crackers and donuts. We don't care if you spit the food out of your dirty mouths. We just want your crappy processed food products. So please, stop yelling at us. By doing that you'll save the children by not scaring their parents. Besides, children are great crumb droppers. Leave us all alone. You're ruining evolution and the natural order of things. If you want to help the planet then spit your food out at us."

I left with my eyes wide open. These are strange days.

As I continued down the sidewalk there was a woman with a red shirt and a clipboard and as I got closer she said, "Excuse me sir, are you interested in saving the children?"

I said "Well, I think I am. I just spoke with that bird about it over there."

She looked at the bird and then looked confused and then I looked confused and together we were two halves of confusion made whole. So I broke our awkward silence by saying "I guess it all comes down to crumbs. We've all gotta share to make this world a better place." Then I pulled a stale flattened chocolate donut out of my back pocket and took a bite and chewed it and spit it on the ground at her feet.

She was shocked and said "what are you doing? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm saving the freaking children! Didn't you get the memo from the seagulls and pigeons?"

I wish people could get on the same page. The world would be a better place. I need more cough medicine. And stuff.

Everything Elsesteve poltz