Horse Code

I’ve been reading a book about a man with horse a who has to see another man about a horse. Anyhoo, the plot is ribald and bawdy. There’s this one horse that likes to play poker but can’t turn his cards over because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs. He’s a great card player and can read anyone’s tells. He keeps a bale of hay next to the poker table and never gets up to go poo or pee. He just does his bathroom business right on the floor at the poker table. He has to hire an intern who also doubles as a horse doctor. The doctor and the horse have a code for betting. It’s called horse code. Stomp twice to fold and stomp 3 times on the ceiling if you want me sort of thing.  The whole thing goes off the rails when the horse discovers meth. He never sleeps and his mouth becomes so dry that an apple gets stuck in the horse’s throat. The horse coughs so hard that when the apple gets dislodged it comes out of the horse’s mouth at a speed of over 100 mph. Sorta like a Nolan Ryan fastball. Anyways, apple hits a sheriff in the eye and these dancing cows start singing I Shot The Sheriff. The cows are in a chorus line and everyone is in sync and birds are chirping and then an Amazon deliveryman walks in and says “who ordered the bidet?” I don’t want to tell you anymore about what happens because I might turn it into a Netflix special. Sorry.

I’ve been reading a book about a man with horse a who has to see another man about a horse. Anyhoo, the plot is ribald and bawdy. There’s this one horse that likes to play poker but can’t turn his cards over because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs. He’s a great card player and can read anyone’s tells. He keeps a bale of hay next to the poker table and never gets up to go poo or pee. He just does his bathroom business right on the floor at the poker table. He has to hire an intern who also doubles as a horse doctor. The doctor and the horse have a code for betting. It’s called horse code. Stomp twice to fold and stomp 3 times on the ceiling if you want me sort of thing.

The whole thing goes off the rails when the horse discovers meth. He never sleeps and his mouth becomes so dry that an apple gets stuck in the horse’s throat. The horse coughs so hard that when the apple gets dislodged it comes out of the horse’s mouth at a speed of over 100 mph. Sorta like a Nolan Ryan fastball. Anyways, apple hits a sheriff in the eye and these dancing cows start singing I Shot The Sheriff. The cows are in a chorus line and everyone is in sync and birds are chirping and then an Amazon deliveryman walks in and says “who ordered the bidet?” I don’t want to tell you anymore about what happens because I might turn it into a Netflix special. Sorry.

steve poltz