I ordered muesli for brekkie and it looked like that time I bashed my head open on the side of a truck when I was riding my bicycle. I remember when my brains leaked out on to the street and I scooped them up and put them back together and shoved them back into the hole in my skull and wiped my hands on my shirt. Things have always been discombobulated since then. #hazy #zombiebrains
I was on Triple R yesterday in Melbourne with cool DJ Lisa Palermo who played 4 of my songs off Folksinger. We chatted on air and laughed. Thanks RRR!
My final Australia show is tonight in Melbourne 5:45pm. I repeat- early show at exactly 5:45pm I walk on stage. It’s at The Athenaeum 2. Such a great room. This is my 6th night in a row.
Thank you Australia. I had the greatest time. I’ll be back again sooner than you think. More on that later.
Your hospitality was stunning. I’m honored to know such fine people in a land down under. Gracias amigos.
A lady with a pierced nose delivered this to me. What was I supposed to do? I had to drink it. I wasn’t looking for trouble. Trouble found me in the form of a cappuccino. I put my lips to the cup and took a nice big gulp and it left a stain on my mustache area. I wanted to dip my nose in it so I did. Then I really wanted to rub it all over my body. So I did. Then a different lady with tattoos and a mustachioed man wearing an apron asked me to leave the premises. So I did. Then a stranger on the street asked me if I was Steve Poltz and I said “I used to be. Now I’m just a barefoot dude with coffee stains on my face and t-shirt and five bucks in my pocket. Call me Ishmael.”
Then I sauntered down the street and smiled at strangers and said “free hugs!”
I didn’t get one hug. Now my feelings are hurt and I just want to sit in the corner wearing a dunce hat until the caffeine leaves my body and I’m able to work my eyelids freely without the unnecessary twitches.
It’s just a fantasy – ohohohoh -
It’s not the real thing – ohohohoh -
But sometimes a fantasy – oh. oh. oh. Oh. -
Is all you need
So I walk in the door and there you are – slow dancing with an iguana. I can’t even leave to get a kransky and soda without you and the lizard sneaking off for a quickie. Don’t think I didn’t see the green scales in the sheets last week. I tried to ignore it but this has gone too far. It’s me or the iguana. Flaky green scales and iguana droppings all over the place. He’s not even house trained. I’ll have you know that this is illegal in several states. There’s a black market for iguana manikin porn and it sickens me to think of you imitating iguana pornography. Do you think this is a game? Some kind of warped sicko fantasy? It’s me or the reptile. Someone’s gotta go. Put the iguana in the sauna and come back to bed.
There are two doors. If you choose one then you may wonder what’s behind the other. So why not Jackie Chan both those muthas down with a double leg kick? Watch em fall and see what’s behind both doors by stretching your eyeballs to shift freely like shifty eye caterpillars in a cartoon able to move around separately and report back on possible troubles lurking in the distance or better yet, random treasures hidden under wooden tables covered in blueprints leading to a map buried under a grave leading to a safe holding the recipe for the best snicker doodles ever made. Yes. Cookies. World peace. And Jackie Chan.
Remember that time that manikin named Reese came home and found his lover Kennedy slow dancing with an iguana named Frank? That was crazy. I read about it in the newspaper. I was fascinated and it made my hands sweat until the ink from the paper stained my fingers black and I rubbed my eye and it looked like I got punched in the face by a coal miner.
That was so nutso. This is only a reenactment. Some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
A muesli work of art at il fornaio on acland street in St Kilda
See y’all tonight at my show in Melbourne. 6:45pm Athenaeum. Only 3 shows left. Same venue same time. Except for Sunday – my final show – is at 5:45pm.
These shows are part of Melbourne Comedy Festival and start right on time and go for exactly 1 hour.
Let’s go eat our muesli.
I am having fun in Australia. My time here is almost over. I love your country. I’m here 5 or 6 more days. I can’t figure out math.
Are you guys happy? I’m pretty happy. Although some days I just feel sad. I guess that’s what makes me appreciate the days when everything shines.
Today I’m in Melbourne. I love this city. I have a night off. It’s Monday here.
Starting tomorrow I play 6 nights in a row in Melbourne at The Athenaeum. It’s for Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Each show is at 6:45pm. I’ve never played a comedy festival before. This has me excited.
I kind of miss my Ma and Pa. My Pa turned 86 while I’ve been on this tour. Time gets precious. I’m excited to have lunch with them when I get back. I guess that’s the only part of my job that I don’t like- the fact that I’m away so much. But in the words of Hyman Roth from The Godfather “this is the business we’ve chosen”.
The time has come. I am on a timer. Everything is timing.
Please share this ticket link for my show with anybody you know who may be in Melbourne this week. I always appreciate the help.
Oh Tingler Ring
Ba Da Bing
You’re The King
Oh Tingler Ring
Make Your Pong
Ping Ping Ping
Who’s got 2 bucks in their pants?
Meet me at the country dance
You be Susie I’ll be Lance
Come on baby take chance
Oh Tingler Ring
Ding A Ling
Cha Cha Ching
Oh Tingler Ring
Make Your Wong
Wing Wing Wing