Four eyes are better than two only half of the time. I just finished a study at Harvard University where I did comparisons with people I’ve been surgically working on in my spare time, in between writing songs and editing automobile manuals.
I steal eyes from dead people and restore them under a grow lamp.
I don’t let the people out of my lab but I do bring them Starbucks Frappucinos®. It’s not like they’re unhappy in my laboratory it’s just that they’re not really that happy. Hey, it’s all good!
One time when I was about 6, it was 1966 and I was jumping rope with the neighbor kids and they were singing songs and the jump rope broke and then I threw up.
So even though I had vomit all over me I took out my iPhone and googled jump rope repair and a nice man drove over and fixed the jump rope and I paid for it with my iWatch because the nice man had a bluetooth device in his square card reader and it was able to scan my iWatch. So we filmed a Kickstarter video for financial help in buying a Corvair to drive us to jump rope tournaments.
Then we sang- Cinderella, dressed in yellow
Went upstairs to kiss her fellow
Made a mistake
And kissed a snake
How many doctors
Did it take?
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. . . .
Then some neighbor boys beat me up and my nose bled so we filmed it and put it up on YouTube and started an anti bullying campaign. Then we used Uber to get a ride to the ice cream store and the man behind the counter felt sorry for me and gave me a free scoop of rocky road. Then we watched The news on the ice cream man’s Apple TV and Walter Cronkite told us about a place called Vietnam and showed a clip of a man called LBJ watching kids jump rope.
Then I said “this is good weed man”.
I met this horse two days ago in San Diego. He was nice. I don’t know his name so let’s just call him Horace Heebernathy. I got him to pose for me by telling him I knew where there was a stash of carrots. He posed and I delivered. He gave me his email address. email@example.com
I’m headed to Houston for a show tonight at The Mucky Duck.
There’s a Texas invasion taking place by yours truly. I’m fixing to walk there tonight for my show in Houston tomorrow night Sept 16th at The Mucky Duck. I am a fast walker. Like really fast.
The Mucky Duck beckons.
Then on Wednesday night Sept 17th I’m going to swim to San Antonio Texas to play at Sam’s Burger Joint. I’ve never played there before but I hear tell it’s pretty close Austin so hopefully some folks make the trek.
After that, on Friday Sept 18th I’m going to jog to Dallas to play the Kessler Theater with Loudon Wainwright.
This concludes this portion of the broadcast.
All tour dates are listed here with ticket links and winning lotto numbers and pizza.
Take ‘er easy compadres,
Thanks LA! I had a great time in your city of angels. The turnout was turned out. Room was packed. People bought merch.
I’m headed to Texas!
My manager Emmett with the psychedelic afro just told me I play at 8.
LA is where I’ll be tonight. I actually play at 8. I thought it was 7. It’s 8. There’s a friend named Henry Fenton who plays at 7.
The Hotel Café
1623 Cahuenga Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90028 United States
I was talking to this bowl of mixed nuts last night. Just chatting away all alone in a room. No big deal. One of the fellows in the bowl was a cashew. We discussed whether or not cracking open walnuts was a violent act.
Finally one of the walnuts piped up and said “Wal — nuts! I think it’s a horrible tragedy the way we’re cracked open with those nutcrackers. Wal I actually abhor it.” Some of the other nuts starting giving me their two cents as well. Finally the cashew asked me to sing them a song so I did. I sang them The Ballad Of Tommy and Marla. They clapped for me which was kind of awkward- hearing nuts clap.
Then I said “I gotta go now. I hope this conversation is really happening because if someone was looking in it would look like I was talking to a bowl of nuts. Perhaps a nut talking to his relatives who all live in a bowl after living in a can.”
So I stood up and walked out of the room and as I looked back I said “Cashew later.”
Los Angeles Los Angeles Los Angeles
Drive up drive down drive sideways leave town
Eat food-good mood-that dude- ain’t rude- she nude- he crude- take a lude- get sued- hey Jude.
Sunday night. City of Angels. Swimming pools. Movie stars.
Hope to see ya!
Finally crossed the border into Vancouver. Had to pee like 4 & 1/2 racehorses so I stopped at the first Starbucks I saw to use their facilities. As I entered the loo there was a horrible odor wafting through the air — foul like someone ate bad fowl. As I stood there micturating I thought to myself “eeek! I’m breathing in poo molecules. I can’t see em but I just know I’m breathing them in.” So I held my breath and I thought about the film What The Bleep Do We Know? Then I wondered why there wasn’t a section dealing with poo molecules in that documentary. Then I left one of my CDs on the cd rack next The Eagles and I said to myself “Wow! Starbucks is stocking my cd.” I repeated this over and over until I actually believed it. Now I’m not sure what is real and what isn’t.
So—- tonight I play Seattle. At the Triple Door theater. I always think of the movie Singles when I’m in that city. Loved it. 7:30 pm. Triple Door
Friday night Sept 12, I return to Vancouver British Columbia Canada. I haven’t played that city in a few years. Here’s the deets