That’d be cool if God had a website. God. com and you could order tshirts and they were super soft white cottony and hobottany. (I didn’t know how to rhyme cottony)
But anyways – if God had a website it’d be great if he posted tour dates and stuff. Maybe some of the tshirts could have a burning bush on them and others just pearly gates. Maybe he could also sell vinyl records of songs he wrote while he was doing other stuff like making people out of clay.

There could also be his blog with his musings about his daily activities and life itself.

like this:

Hey Humans on Earth,

Why are you guys so effing screwed up? I gave you great soil, air and water and all you’re doing is poisoning it? But anyways, here’s a new recipe for some brownies I came up with the other day while I was trying to divert a hurricane and avoid another world war. These things are scrumptious with a hint of cinnamon and walnuts.

Also- if you’d like I can teach you how to be nicer to one and other but you need to learn to listen. I’m doing a Kickstarter for my new cd (hey, I’m broke!) and it contains some secrets to happiness. It’s called God (listen up) It’s whiter than The White Album by the Beatles.

Here are the levels:

10 bucks get you a digital download.

20 gets you a God poster.

30 gets you a poster signed by me God and a digital download AND some of my brownies.

200 gets you a visit with my son and a pack of bubblegum cigarettes and some brownies and a poster.

500 gets you all of the above and some of my new frankincense and myrrh cologne AND my cellphone number.

1000 gets you all of the above and your name on the credits as an executive producer AND a piece of genuine wood from Noah’s Ark. (While supplies last)

2000 gets you all of the above and it gets you fast-tracked to the head of the line outside the pearly gates unless your last name is Hitler. Valid ID required.

That’s all for now. I gotta go save a cat who’s trapped in a tree.

Follow me on Twitter
Like me on Facebook
Say your prayers

Peace out,
God (Hashem)

PS- I love you

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Boston Bound like a baked bean

My NYC show was a success. Great venue and good crowd of New Yawkers with a sprinkle of fun Wisconsonites. Good times in The Big Apple.

Now? I leave for Boston. I’m shipping off to Boston. I play Cambridge tonight at the legendary Club Passim. I’ll eat some chowdah for ya. I wish I could go see a game at Fenway but duty calls and I must report for song singing duty.

I play at 9pm. Get there early. There’s music before I play in the form of Dinty Child. But at 9pm I’ll take the stage. Maybe 9:01 or 9:03 but it’ll happen.
See ya in Boston! Oops. Cambridge.

Then Sunday night I’m
Back in NYC at Rockwood Music Hall Stage 3. More fun and games.

Let’s all go to Boston. C’mon, everybody’s doin’ it.


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Grand Central

Grand Central Terminal is a front for ragged patrons selling carpets and Frankenstein memorabilia. It looks nice right now but there are ghosts and Ferrari dealers lurking in the foyer. Ahhh ahh Ahhh the everyday people.

It’s time for sleepy time tea and time to dream. Time to climb tall buildings and parachute off through the low flying clouds made of misty caffeine laced Mountain Dew. Time for the lizards to crawl out of my brain and go back to hassling hamsters in the desert.

One day we’re all going to play canasta together or hearts. You just wait and see. We’ll bake cookies and tell stories of the good old days when we had paper routes and fixed the little engines on our lawn mowers while our parents watched with gazes of approval.

Our eyes will well up with tears as we remember our first kiss and the way our hearts pounded like distant drums or a blown out muffler. Lick the envelope and seal the letter. Tomorrow is a new day full of opportunity. Grab it.

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Northern Ca Novato

Here’s a fun video for my upcoming Northern Ca show in Novato on July 27.

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New York City – tonight

Hello GW Bridge! Next stop New York City. I play at Rockwood Music Hall tonight at 9:30pm 196 Allen St NYC

I got some great sleep last night. Wow. Slept like a mummy until noon. I feel better than James Brown. Hey Ho let’s go!

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Last night

Epic shot by @deanomuso last night at my show in La Jolla at The Birch Aquarium.

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I handle my own business

Adam is my booking agent at Fleming Artists. I love him very much. They’re out of Ann Arbor and Nashville and Melbourne. Adam is The President of the company and handles my gigs. This morning he wrote me and asked me if I wanted to do some dates in late February and March 2015 opening up for the band Mike and The Mechanics. Remember them? Mike was in Genesis. It’ll be a load a theater shows in the USA. Then he said “they think you’re funny. You need to be funny if you want the shows”. So, I just wrote him back.

Dear Adam,

You said-

You got the tour as long as you are funny.

Let’s define funny.
Maybe I’ll imitate my favorite YouTube video. I’ll walk out on stage dressed as a monkey and then stick my finger up my butt and smell it and have my eyes roll back and then pass out and fall out of a tree. Some folks might laugh at this. I think it’s funny.


- is funny having me walk through the audience dressed as JFK, playing Hail To The Chief on a penny whistle while Jewel dresses up as Marilyn Monroe and sings You Were Meant For Me with a toaster on her head? And then when the song ends she says in a sexy breathy voice “Mr President would you like your toast buttered?” That’s kinda funny.

Is funny crawling out on stage on my hands and knees with the words Poodle Boy spray painted on my back while a naked old man with a saggy ass wearing only leather chaps pulls me on a leash up to the jolly green giant who happens to be playing an accordion and then makes me beg for asparagus dog treats?

Ruff ruff. Roll over poodle boy. Atta boy! Oh he’s a good dog! Oooh look at your green poo. Does anyone have a plastic bag?

Is funny having me walk out onstage and tell mechanic jokes. –> there was this woman that brought in a FIAT and I said “hey lady! Don’t you know that FIAT stands for Fix It Again Tony”? And she said “take that carburetor and ram it up your ass Jack.” And then I lost her pink slip and she slipped on some radiator fluid and banged her head on a gear shaft and swallowed a socket wrench. Hahahaha! Now that’s facking funny.


Is funny having me walk up on stage naked from a chair in the audience and describe my conversion to Christianity while stretching my ballsack like a piece of bazooka chewing gum?

Oh no! I got it.
I’ll come out dressed as Ronald Reagan and accidentally bump into a facsimile of The Berlin Wall and when it partially falls have Mike from The Mechanics dress as Gorbachev and I’ll say “Mr Mechanic! Tear down that wall!” Then we will all sing We are The World and pause for a moment of silence for Michael Jackson.

These are only early sketches for what may work. Let’s nail down the exact act as the dates get closer.

For now I’m going with the green turd laying poodle.

Please keep this between us guys. I don’t want anyone stealing my “ideas”.

Steve Poltz

I haven’t heard back from him yet.

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Headed to NYC

Hey look! I’m almost in first class! Headed from San Diego to NYC – I am at The Turning Point tonight in Piermont. Friday night I’m at Rockwood Music Hall. Then Saturday I’m in Boston at Club Passim. Then Sunday back in NYC at Rockwood Music Hall. I should just sneak into first class and act like I bought a seat there. I see one open.
What’s the worst that could happen?

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Next stop Piermont New York

Thanks for coming out to Scripps Aquarium in La Jolla. What a fun show. Cheers!
Next up
Thursday July 17– I play The Turning Point in Piermont New York. See ya there!

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Back in San Diego!

Photo by Dana in Haines Junction in The Yukon.

Arrived in San Diego at midnight thirty this morning. Now I’m up and at em! I’m here for one night. Need to make the most of it.
Tonight July 16 Wednesday I play a show at Scripps Aquarium in La Jolla. Hopefully there will be a purty sunset. After all, it’s called The Green Flash Concert Series. Sponsored by KPRI radio.
They open the doors at 5:30 I think I go on around 7:35 ish.
ticket info

Then tomorrow morning on Thursday I fly to New York. JFK
that is.
Tomorrow night July 17, I play the legendary Turning Point in Piermont New York.

Then Friday July 18 I’m in NYC at Rockwood Music Hall. This will be righteous!

Then I shoot up to Boston on Saturday July 19 and play the wonderful Club Passim in Cambridge Ma.

Then on Sunday July 20 I head down south on I95 back to NYC for a second show at Rockwood Music Hall.

Hope I see you!

Thanks to the fine folks of The Yukon and British Columbia for their great hospitality! I’ll be back.
Steve P

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