Did you say seitan?


Dr Ben Carson was right!

Hillary Clinton is seitan worshipper. I used to work at the Pita Pit in Arkansas (along with my job as a clerk at Bed Bath And Beyond) and Hillary would come in and order a seitan pita delight (with extra hummus AND baba ghanoush) and she would ONLY let me or Ben Carson make her pitas because she said we “had the touch”.

And then?

She would eat the pita and her head would spin around 360 degrees and she’d scream “I just love seitan! Mmmm seitan seitan seitan! Momma like seitan.”
Then she would flick her tongue like a snake and say “Hubba hubba hubba! Seitan! Gimmee more a dat seitan!”

I would always try to get her to order the pork roll but (curiously) she’d never order the pork. (Secret Muslim or vegan?) Only seitan! All seitan all the time!

What’s even weirder is the pita came out to 6.66 including tax. #seitanworshipper

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Satin worshipper


I think people misunderstood Ben Carson. He didn’t call Hillary Clinton a Satan worshipper. What he said was that she was a satin worshipper. Ya see- I used to work at Bed Bath And Beyond with a young Ben C when he was in medical school and Hillary C came in one day and bought a lovely set of beautiful satin sheets and she said “I just worship these satin sheets. They’re so tempting and amazing.” By the way- they weren’t cheap either. They cost. 666 dollars. —-

Thank you. I’ll be here all week.
#satinworshipper

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Comedy gold

This is the best comedy of the year. Did Mel Brooks write it? 
Amazing. How do they make it look so real? Scott Baio’s career could be resurrected like Travolta’s when he did Pulp Fiction. 
Seriously, who wrote this? I hope they bring it to Broadway. 
Remember Springtime For Hitler

from The Producers? They wrote a play that would be so horrible that it would have to fail? And then the show turns out to be a major hit? 
That’s what this is! Write a play about a bunch of rich guys who can’t have their candidate win because they’ve bet a bunch of money in Vegas on a candidate from a rival party. 
So they come up with this horrible character that is so completely offensive and idiotic that there’s absolutely no way he can win the presidency because no one would ever want him to have the nuclear codes. Have the guy make the most inane comments and be clueless as to how the political process works! Yes! This sounds awesome. Have him be on his third wife! Have him mispronounce names and stories out of the bible. Make his hair weird and give him an orange spray tan. It’s so funny how crazy we can make this guy. Have him insult Mexico and women and Muslims and wait— even have him insult the Pope. Hilarious! No one would EVER elect him. He’s a sure thing to lose. 
And then he wins. 
Comedy gold.

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Chill out – seriously. 


Perth Ontario Canada! Thanks for all the love. Stewart Park Festival is a good’n.

I didn’t really know what to expect. I’d never played this festival before.

1. great staff of volunteers (they deliver your gear to the proper stages and make sure you have everything you need. Great sound. The whole deal

2. Food glorious good. Gave me energy. Helped me play three shows in one day.

3. Cool in the round stages. I met some really great musos and we threw together ad hoc bands and the energy ramped up to a zillion.

4. Great housing / my hotel was so lovely.

Thanks to Joel Leblanc for being such a great artistic director.

In other news –
I’ll be back to Perth Ontario on October 25 at The Full Circle Theater. (Only 18 tix left!)

I hereby decree that this week is Unity Week.

Everybody put down your fucking guns. Lock em away for a week. Turn off hate talk radio and crappy inflammatory news. Read some Kurt Vonnegut or something.

Just do something nice for someone. Seriously. Go out of your way. Try talking with someone that you might not normally talk to. It starts with you. It may sound small but we gotta start somewhere.

It takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Get hooked on doing something nice for someone. Take a risk! You might get addicted. If they shun you that’s ok! You get extra points for that. Don’t give up.

We (a collective WE) need to make this world a better place. We actually have a lot more in common than you might think.

Start on common ground.

Remember- Voltaire said –
Every man is guilty of the good he did not do.

He also said –
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.

And this –
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

And of course my favorite Voltaire quote –
Let us read, and let us dance; these two amusements will never do any harm to the world.

Have a good week

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Stewart Park Festival! 


And the Canadian tour continues. What a day yesterday was. A day I tell you. A day.
I made it to Perth. Not Australia. Perth Ontario Canada!
Stewart Park Festival. What a fantastic festival it is.

I gotta tell ya- Canadians are really nice! This reminds me of a joke my friend Amanda Slaybaugh told me-

Canadian: I’m a Canadian

Date: Cool, I’ve never met a comedian before.

Canadian [ Is too polite to correct them, dedicates entire life to comedy ]
🙂
Anyways-
This festival so well organized and the food is great and everyone is so helpful.

I played 3 times yesterday. Damn. By the time I fell asleep I was out like a punch drunk boxer after a standing 8 count.

I had so much fun at the end of the night sharing a stage with Irish Mythen. She’s so freaking good. And funny. And I love her.

What about this picture? What’s going on here?
It was hanging on the wall at my final show last night.

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Great first night! 


The first night of my Canadian jaunt went well. People showed up. They clapped and stuff. The Blacksheep is a fine little juke joint in Wakefield Quebec. Thanks so much for coming out.

Today I head to The Stewart Park Festival in Perth Ontario.
Here are some more shows:
Note- I added a house show July 21!
I wish could add a house show Saturday July 30 in the Boston area. (I have that night off)
Ok- here’s the gig action-

July 16-17 Perth Ontario- Stewart Park Festival
July 21 Blue Mountains Ontario
House Concert Bruce Street Social Club contact Steve Vipond for Tix
steven@kingpost.ca
July 22-24 Guelph Lake Ontario- Hillside Festival
July 27- Oakville Ontario- Moonshine Cafe
July 29- Toronto Ontario- The Dakota Tavern
July 31- Cambridge MA- Club Passim
Aug 1- Woods Hole MA- Woods Hole Film Festival
Aug 2- Miramichi NB- Vogue Theater
Aug 3- Halifax NS- The Carleton
Aug 4-5- Lunenburg Folk Harbour Festival
Aug 6-7 – Red Rock Ontario- Live From The Rock Festival
Aug 10- Nashville Tn- City Winery (Upstairs Room 7pm)
Aug 12-14- Calpine Ca- Comatopia Festival
Aug 17- Nashville Tn- City Winery (Upstairs Room 7pm)
Aug 24- Nashville Tn- City Winery (Upstairs Room 7pm)

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Tour dates! 

I’m headed to Canada today. Wakefield Quebec. 
On this tour I promise to do my best to spread joy and goodwill. 

Hope I see you. 
I guess I’ll list some dates and schtuff.
Be nice to each other. Please!

here’s some dates:

July 15 Wakefield Quebec- The Blacksheep

July 16-17 Perth Ontario- Stewart Park Festival

July 22-24 Guelph Lake Ontario- Hillside Festival 

July 27- Oakville Ontario- Moonshine Cafe

July 29- Toronto Ontario- The Dakota Tavern

July 31- Cambridge MA- Club Passim

Aug 1- Woods Hole MA- Woods Hole Film Festival

Aug 2- Miramichi NB- Vogue Theater

Aug 3- Halifax NS- The Carleton

Aug 4-5- Lunenburg Folk Harbour Festival

Aug 6-7 – Red Rock Ontario- Live From The Rock Festival

Aug 10- Nashville Tn- City Winery (Upstairs Room 7pm)

Aug 12-14- Calpine Ca- Comatopia Festival

Aug 17- Nashville Tn- City Winery (Upstairs Room 7pm)

Aug 24- Nashville Tn- City Winery (Upstairs Room 7pm)

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Number 19


Ok, I admit it. I cried last night during the MLB All Star pregame show when they honored number 19 Tony Gwynn by naming the National League batting title after him. Yes, tears streamed down my baseball loving cheeks. But as my friend Jeff Berkley says “I didn’t ugly cry. I just cried.”
#uglycry #notme

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Cool pic! Crowd surf! 


thanks to Jay Blakesburg for taking this cool photo!

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headed to Blissfest

in Michigan.

are you  going to join me?

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