feeling midwesty

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photo by frag
Hi Kittens and Doggens,
Today I am feeling midwesty and court jestery. The tour is proceeding along just as planned by the people in the sky who plan things. You know- the little guys and gals with wings that fly in the clouds and arrange dinner parties for unsuspecting broods of pilgrims. Angels or angles? It all depends on your math skills and suspension of disbelief in otherworldly deities. We are only here as the calendars flip pages and root out the old and bring in the new. Sheesh, in a hundred years none of us will be here anymore on this planet except as dust or coffins so we might as well go out there and smile a bit. I plan on living until the ripe old age of and even 100 but my body might have other plans. So suffice it to say that this is a love letter thanking all of you from the bottom of my heart. Remind me to remind you to remind myself to tell you that I love you. And, that I am grateful to be out here on the road traversing cones and leaping over tall buildings and running from stray rabid dogs and feeding pigeons and trying to avoid the bird flu and mad cow disease. All just for the sake of a show. A show? Yes a show of music and skits and stories and you get to see Billy Harvey and and his magic bag of tricks. So check the tour dates and meet us tomorrow in Minneapolis and then follow us to Miwaukee and Dayton and Indianapolis and Frankton. Heck, don’t stop there- come to K.C. and OkCity and then breeze on down to Dallas, Austin , San Antonio and Houston. C’mon! Everyone’s doing it.
Love,
Poltzy

Rockin’ the Suburbs

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The other night I played a house concert and they had to move it outside because there 130 folks there rockin’ the suburbs. The girl on my left opened the show and was fantastic. Her name is Rhiannon and she strummed a guitar and sang and people loved it. The mohawk and the Led Zepplin guy were in the audience pretending the chairs were a mosh pit. It was like Woodstock 8 or something. The Canyonfolk house concert throwers (Bill and Shirlee) were great hosts and sure know how to throw a party.
The Padres are in the playoffs against the dreaded Cardinals. I have developed a hatred toward any red birds I see anywhere at any time and shoot them at will with my rifle I bought at Wal Mart. I am going to the game today and the Pads are already down by 1 game. If they don’t win today I am canceling all future shows. Why am I up at 4 in the morning typing this? I guess because I am nervous about maybe pitching in today’s game. My fastball tops out at 40 mph and my change up is 39. I’m not fooling anybody up there at the plate but I’m all we’ve got. I have friends in Dtroit and Minneapolis that are rooting for the Twins and the Tigers and my Dad is rooting for the Dodgers and we are all losing our respective series. Oh well, it could be worse- Lou D in Philly doesn’t have a team in the playoffs. I feel for him.
Sincerely,
A Guy with a Gun

I Wish the Wind Would Blow Me Back to You

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Click here for a listen
I wish the wind would blow me back to
wish the wind would blow me back to
wish the wind would blow me back to you
The termites ate my memory
And I just cannot seem to see
Your face when you were so smiley
With eyes like lights on Christmas trees
Why do the good ones always leave and never give you warning?
The sun is hiding in the clouds I can’t tell if it’s morning
ahhh ahh ahhh ahh
2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate?
you are loved
The world goes on with newspapers
And mailmen and deliveries
But I just wanna stay inside
And get lost in my memories
Why do the good ones always leave and never give you warning?
The sun is shining down today I wish that it was pouring
ahhh ahh ahhh ahh
I wish the wind would blow me back to
wish the wind would blow me back to
wish the wind would blow me back to you

What a difference a day makes

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It’s so nice to be home where the sun shines and the birds chirp and the skies are not cloudy all day. Why just last night I went to the ball yard with Tim Bluhm (pictured above) and Nicki and Keith. Just like that the Pads are back in first. One day you’re up and the next you’re down. Pads win 5 to 2 over The Diamondbacks. If my team had lost I was ready to go out and shoot up a Luby’s Cafeteria. Tim is in The Mother Hips and you should check ’em out. I love their music. Motherhips.com
I’M GOING TO BE FAMOUS IN CHATTANOOGA.
I did a couple interviews with the press in Chattanooga and I have a feeling that something good is going to happen. I like the way their name sounds over yonder. Sometimes I just say it over and over and over. Ch- CH- CH- Ch- CH ‘Ch- Chattanoooooooooooogahhh! (bless you)
One of the interviews was a Q&A via email for the Chattanoogapulse.com with Bill Colrus and here it is for your perusal:
Q-I usually only casually glance at press kits, but I must admit, your
press kit is quite impressive.
A- that’s what all the men tell me.
Q-So, um, you met Elvis?
A-yeah. we met up at an airport in palm springs.
his hair was greasy and he was the richard nixon drug advisor or something.
he hugged my sister too long. i felt weird in my stomach until i thought i
i might be able to pimp her out for a record deal.
he talked to us for a spell and was funny. i think he liked being elvis.
Q- And you were Bob Hope’s altar boy? His favorite one?
A- st. theresa’s catholic church in palm springs.
he was an easter sunday catholic.
he always tipped me 5 or 10 smackeroos.
i worked his golf tournament raking the sand traps.
he would say, “there’s my favorite altar boy!”
he had a nice sweater collection and he smelled like gin.
Q-What kind of candy did Liberace give out for Halloween?
A-snickers and mars bars. but not the little ones. big ones. full size.
his front steps were colored like piano keys and he wore a boa and had diamond rings on every finger. his chauffeur stood behind him at the door with bleach blonde hair and perfect white teeth.
sort of bay watchian before bay watch existed. a time traveller.
(I took a break here to go rob a 7-11)
Q- What was so dreary about selling pipe nipples?
A- the p.v.c. prices were unstable and it became a whores market.
my boss was an alcoholic who demanded too much of my time.
the factory emitted a plastic resin odor that hurt to breathe.
my lungs collapsed about 5 times and i ended up in the hospital
with tubes coming out of me. thank god the pipe nipple business
gave me medical insurance or i would have been lung-less and homeless.
other than that it was pretty fun.
Q- What, exactly, did you do to garner “San Diego’s Most Influential
Artist of the Decade” honors? Have you ever played that zoo?
A- i was a write in candidate it was a fluke of floridian proportions.
if there were to be a proper re-count i would be dethroned.
but until that day comes i will wear the crown like a member of the bush oligarchy.
i’ve only played outside of the zoo. i was in love with a giraffe. i would stand on a ladder sing songs under the light of the moon..
Q- How does classical guitar training prepare you for making an album of
outgoing answering machine messages?
A- i know how to edit. the songs could only be 45 seconds.
most classical guitar pieces are 47 seconds. i just played them faster and voila- a cd was born.
Q-So, what was it about Jewel?
A- when i first met her, she described how she would cut me open and skin me. just like she used to do to cows on the homestead in alaska.
i thought that was sweet.
Q- Do you think she should get her teeth fixed?
A-only if they could make them look like liberace’s chauffeur.
Q- Why is it better to have your own label than to be on somebody else’s?
A-because when you sue the label for questionable financial practices you win even if you lose.
Q-Why is it worse?
A-because nothing ever gets done and you have nobody to yell at but yourself.
Q- Tell me about your new album.
A-it has songs about the golden era of pipe nipples. before the market went to the hyenas.
Q-Why, with all the exciting entertainment choices available in our crazy
world today, should people come see you?
A-because i give away money on stage.
you’re losing money by not coming to see me.
Thanks, Steve! i think you’re awesome (ok I steve poltz made up the “i think you’re awesome” part but maybe he really did think I was awesome. It could happen.)
-Bill
Bill Colrus
Editor, The Pulse
Thanks Bill. I am ready to rule Chattanooga with the force of Nikita Khrushchev.
From now on I must approve every article that comes out in your paper.
your friend forever and ever,
Steve Poltz

Last night’s game made me sick

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I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years of watching beisbol games. (not even with glasses on) I mean come on- the Dodgers hit four, (count ’em) 4 home runs in the ninth inning. I am talking back to back to back to back home runs. 4 in a row. I left The San Diego music awrds show in time to catch the last 5 innings of the game. I drove straight to a Mexican restaurant that was showing it and ordered a couple of chile rellenos and a glass of tea. I was cheering loudly and whooping and holllering into the bottom of the ninth inning because The Padres had a commanding 9 to 5 lead. Then lightening struck. As I watched the Dodgers tie the game iI wanted to throw my chair through the window. Then The Padres came back to score a run in the 10th and take a 10 to 9 lead only to squander it once again by giving up another round trippper in the bottom of the 10th to Nomar. A two run shot that killed us. My Dad is in Halifax Nova Scotia and I don’t even want to call him. He will be laughing so hard and jumping up and down and I can’t bear to hear it. I felt as though a stake was driven through my heart. This game is built to break your heart.
My friend Tim Flannery (the play by play announcer for The Padres) called me at the beginning of the season this year and left a message on my answering machine. In it he describes how a I pitch a no-hitter in the big leagues for the Pads. It hearkens back to better days. I listened to it last night all alone at 3 in the morning when I couldn’t sleep because of illness and it almost made me smile. I would like to share it with you.
LISTEN HERE
The padres have never had a no-hitter so it’s fun to pretend that I threw the first and have our play by play guy call it. It still doesn’t get rid of the sick feeing I have in my stomach today. I’ll be at the game tonight. There’s always tonight. There are only 13 games left in the regular season.
Somebody send me some crisis counseling type people.
yours is crisis,
SJJP

Is that a turd or a pickle?

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The sky was raining turds and Wal Mart had no umbrellas to protect against this sort of thing. Turds were dropping like pickles from the heavens above, shattering windshields and making a lot of unecessary paperwork for insurance companies everywhere. Corporate was beginning to get really angry because their annual budget for the company getaway to a nude resort in Aruba was being severely slashed. People wanted some sort of assurance that the turds would stop falling from the sky. That’s where I come in- ya see; I used to play a little sand lot ball when I was a kid and I’ve been told by several truck stop waitresses that I have pretty nice hands.
So I guess I’m going to go to the cities listed above as some sort of a modern day court jester/troubadour. I will juggle turds and sing sea chanteys to the those in need of crisis counseling. If you don’t see your city listed above then please tell me where the turds are dropping from your vantage point and I will try to be there to save the day. Just a simple suggestion or prodding will do. For instance: “Steve, will you please come to Canada? Toronto to be specific. Why do you neglect the country of your birth?” Then I will point my lovely managers, lawyers and booking agent in your direction to get the ball of turd
rolling along.
Life is too long to not do what you want,
Love,
Me (Steve) (Joe) (Josh) (Poltz)
P.S. The Padres are back in first for a day