perthy poo

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Milan makes me sick. he made me get up off of the couch because he wanted to take my picture with the stupid sunset. I was having the best time with the curtain shut, geeking out on my computer. He’s always yelling at me and complaining. If I had a can of vegemite I’d throw it at his face and make him go to the emergency room then at least I wouldn’t have to listen to him say “Come on, it’s time for sound check” wawawa. But seriously folks Perth was absolutely fantabulistic (Hey if George Bush can say nukeyalur I can say fantabulistic) Perth reminded me of Baja California mixed with Mars. I remember when I was the first man to set foot on Mars, how freaked out everyone was. I hate it when people throw parades in my honor, especially ticker tape, it messes up my hair. Today I am in Melbourne and I’m going to go to yoga because I feel freaky deaky. I have had more cups of tea than a gnome in a crack house (do gnomes really drink tea? for that matter do they really smoke crack?)
Either way, I’m happy and I miss my mommy and daddy. waaaa
Please don’t take my blankie away.
Love
Steven “still getting my teeth in” Poltz
p.s. the reason this picture says may 17 2004 is because I am a time traveller and perth is a month ahead in the time zone. next month is really cool. I won American idol.

long time no see

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okay okay alright okay! I know I have been out of touch lately and I hate that. I am sorry for not writing sooner but I am upside down under in Australia walking with the wombats and swilling Tooheys Lager. Lots of time on an airplane can drive a man insane. This is a photo Milan took and then I got all funky on photoshop on the plane. I was standing in front of the Vanguard in Newtown (a cool suburb of Sydney) waiting to go on stage. I wish all of you guys on the other end of the world could be here. It is so beautiful this time of the year. Thanks to all in Brisbane for 2 great nights at The Troubadour. I am going to start writing more now that I have figured out how to get online. Right now I am in Perth and it is already tomorrow. You guys are going to have a crappy day tomorrow because i have already seen it. You may as well stay in bed all day and paint your toenails and watch Jimmy Swaggert reruns.
Garageband rocks and I will figure out how to post some weirdness tomorrow.
Eat your vegemite you wankers.
G’day mateys,
Steven Cobber Poltz

take me oot the ballgame

As they say in canada; “take me oot the ballgame eh? take me oot to the crowd. buy me some beer eh? screw the crackerjacks just get me a beer eh or i’ll puck ya in da mouth der eh boy.” blah blah blah “fer it’s 1–2–3 srikes yer oot at the old ball yaaard.”
Last night I went to the new ballpark here in San Diego (I believe they call it Petco Park) and I watched my first game in our brand spankin’ new home. My friend Mike Halloran is already calling it “BARK PARK” woof woof. Go Sheeba go! The Pads lost to the Seattle Mariners but I gotta tell ya. This new ballyard is way cool be most rad dude and schtuff. It is pretty neat to step off the trolly and see the park in the distance a couple blocks away. Yes it is true– the prices are expensive for brewskis. I bought 2 and I had to wait for it to pass through ecsrow with a loan officer before I could start sipping er chugging. (But seriously folks–I’ll be here all week. Try the buffet and good luck on the slots.)
I want to invite yous guys to come oot for a visit or as they say in Germany “a wisit” and eat a hot dog (mmm hot dogs) yeah baby I love pig particles. My doctor told me the other day I wasn’t getting enough pork in my diet. So I’ve invented pork soap for the shower. It literally soaks into your pores and you smell like a pig all day. it is so awesome. Pork toothpaste and hair gel and face cream and pork q-tips for your ears. I am going to be so rich I’ll buy Petco Park and rename it Pork Park. But I digress.
OK the new ballpark is cool and I got a little excited. I just bought a brand new 15″ g4 powerbook from Apple and it has backlit keys. How freakin’ cool is that g? Garageband rocks and I am making up disco songs this morning. I will post them in a couple days.
I wrote to the author of the Sammy Davis Jr book (Wil Haygood) and he wrote me back! I tracked him down through the Washington Post.
Here is the exchange:
Dear Wil,
I just read the final pages of your wonderful book and I couldn’t stop the
tears. I rarely cry and I certainly didn’t expect to be so moved by your
biography of Sammy. I had to write you to let you know. You really did him
justice and I learned so much about our history in this wild country. My
only complaint is that your novel had to end. I am a touring musician who
spends most of his time on the road and for me this book was inspiring and
sad and insightful. I can’t wait to go search out old videos of Sammy. I
would love any suggestions you might have. The work you put into this
was amazing and you sure know how to paint a vivid moving picture of what
life was like for black artists back in the day. What a complex man was
Sammy.
I can’t thank you enough. I am going to tell everyone I know to buy this
book.
Sincerely,
Steve Poltz
Then he writes:
Subject: RE: Just finished In Black And White!
steve, what a wonderful touching note you sent. bless you. i spent five
years on the book, practically upended my life to get it done. and the
effort pays off when i hear from someone as sensitive and understanding to
sammy’s plight as you. if you can get your hands on a copy of a film called
A Man Called Adam, it would be worthy it. sammy plays a musician; cicely
tyson is in the cast. a million thanks to you, good man. wil
How cool is that? Wil Haygood wrote me back? He called me sensitive. I heard him talking aboot Sammy on NPR and I asked for his book for Christmas from my ma n pa. They told me to piss off and buy it myself. (just kidding mom and dad thanks for the book)
I know I rambled on and on but I leave tomorrow for Australia and it is a 19 hour flight. Yikes.
If you guys can think of a better nickname for Petco Park then Halloran’s “Bark Park” then please submit them to moi.
I love you all. Don’t forget to set your clocks ahead. Spring forward fall back or somthing like that.
Steveroni “Bacon Fat Face Cream” Poltz

in black and white

I can’t get enough info on Sammy Davis Jr. I just finished the book In Black and White by Wil Haygood. Please go out and buy it so we can have Sammy discussions. I only want to talk Sammy. All Sammy all the time. I am at home in San Diego getting ready for my excursion to Australia. I finished the book and I have a cold and I was crying at the end of the book and Sammy’s last days. The author of this biography did such amazing painstaking research. I felt like I got a history lesson on vaudeville and New York theater and Harlem and on and on and on.
I leave for Sydney on Monday and I can’t wait to drive on the wrong side of the road and see old friends and drink cold cans of Tooheys.
Buy your tickets and come visit me in Australia. I hear that Quantas is running a special.
I just bought a new g4 powerbook from Apple so I will now be having fun making up some songs on garage band. yee haw!!!
Cheers mates,
Stevey Poltz

Happy St. Paddy’s Day

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Today I am going to go down to Mexico and finish off the contents of this truck and ride on the hood of a police car all the way back across the Tijuana border to the Casbah for tonight’s big Rugburns show. Johnny Castro couldn’t make it out from New York this week so I asked Gregory Page to play bass. He accepted the offer so this evening should be interesting. I spent many a month in my younger days with Herr Page and the rest of the ‘burns travelling this crazy country. One time we were flown out to Cleveland and picked up in a limo and fed tons of italian food by the mob because one of the Godfathers’ sons was a huge Rugburns fan. We were told if we didn’t play Dick’s Automotive that we would be strung up by our balls and beaten beyond recognition with 2x4s and thrown in a pit with rattlesnakes. Then I remember the time that Gregory got arrested in Arizona for not carrying a handgun on stage. (there was some weird law from the 1800s that insisted all bass players must carry a firearm while plucking a bass.)
Who knows what will happen tonight. I hear that Jose Sinatra will be showing up ready to sing a duet. I am scared. I must now go to Tijuana to place March Madness bets and empty the beer truck.
St. Steven McPoltz

Why we did it.

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When I started 98 pounder records I knew I needed some capital and a big name. Why not go after a domestic maven? Everyone knows that Martha is a music lover and all around matron of the arts. I figured we could make some linament oil out of flax seed to polish my collection of vintage Louis Vuitton handbags. The executives at ebay had been hounding me to release some of my stash to the general public for immediate auction. I wasn’t ready to go public with 98 pounder label so I delayed the IPO until a secret date had been secured. I raised some of the startup costs through the sale of my purse collection and immediately invested the profits in IM clone. This is when I started trading phone calls with Martha. We taught each other how to make phone messages and manipulate the voice tones. It all seemed so innocent to me. She was a fan of my C.D. “Answering Machine” and I was a fan of pine cone art. Together we were like a couple of construction workers high on glue. Ideas came to us and the money was flowing and we staggered through the streets of New York like we owned the damn town. It was all fun and games until someone got hurt. I made a phone call and gave a secret location (if you know what I mean) and all was set for 98 pounder to go public. We both sold our IM clone stock to pay for “Chinese Vacation” and all of the sudden the feds had a temper tantrum. It was a coincindence that some other big wig sold his shares the same day. He had nothing to do with me. He listens to books on tape and hates music. Martha and I are going to fight this thing to prove her innocence. I will be having a bake sale at The Lion’s Club in the near future. Homemade marzipan and Nova Scotia lox with mint leaves flown in from Italy will be on sale as well as tweed cushion covers. Please understand that I am not allowed to comment on this any further until I meet with Larry King at Elaine’s in New York. 98 Pounder Records is threatening to fire me in a hostile takeover and I am scared. If you can think of any new items I can make for my bakesale please let me know. I really, really, really, need to raise some cash for my Martha’s legal fees.
Sincerely,
Steven “The Insider” Poltz